Firestar's IQ
by Scarheart13
Summary: My first story on Fanfiction. Each chapter number represents Firestar's current IQ. Read and Review.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors. Wow, how many people have said that?

Hello, and welcome to the first chapter in my first story ever, so cut me some slack. There may be some references to _Goldenears's_ parodies, since he's my brother. If you don't understand some of the jokes, you might want to check out his two warrior's parodies. So if _Goldenears _pops up in this story or vice versa, don't think that I'm just having a mental breakdown.

Firestar was sitting in the warmth of his den, not wanting to go out into the cold air. Also, he was just too damn lazy.

_I deserve a vacation or something_. Firestar thought to himself. _Actually, that's not a bad idea. I hear that the volcanoes around Riverclan territory are quite nice this time of year._

"Firestar," Leafpool said as she entered his den. "It's past sunhigh, what are you still doing in here. Don't you have important leader stuff to do or something?"

"No, it's way too cold out right now. In fact, I'm thinking about taking a bit of vacation time. Maybe over to the Riverclanian volcanoes or something." Leafpool looked at him for a moment, then, realizing that there was no way to try to convince using logic, she decided that she should probably just go with it.

"Fine, so long as you put someone more… efficient, than Brambleclaw in charge of the clan."

"Alright. If you don't want me to appoint Brambleclaw, then I'll just have to use… Bramble_paw_. There, problem solved." Firestar then got up, and for some reason walked backwards out of his den. He then fell off of the Highledge, tumbled through the hollow and then landed in some bushes. But when he got up, and tried to walk back to the hollow, backwards, he tripped and slid down a steep slope, and into the river. He then was carried by a strong current downriver, went through some spiky reeds, and over a small waterfall. Then he dragged himself out of the water, onto the bank. Then some dogs came and chased him for a bit. Then somehow he ended up back in his den, without using the only entrance, or going back to the camp. However, he was an idiot and did not find this odd. Then he went back to the Highledge, where he had originally been headed, to appoint Brambleclaw, oops, Bramble_paw_ as the temporary leader.

"All cats old enough to give a damn about what I say, get your butts over here." The clan hadn't heard a proper, formal summoning to the Highledge since Firestar had become their leader. They had gotten used to it, since it was basically the smallest change in the clan since Bluestar's death.

"Listen everybody, I'm going on vacation for a while, over to the volcanoes over by Riverclan, so that I can lava-bathe myself in them for a bit and get all warmed up. Any questions?" Most of them in fact _did_ have questions, but they were too afraid that he would answer them.

"Oh, one last thing. Bramblepaw is in charge until I get back." Then, when he headed back to his den in order to prepare for the journey (napping) Jayfeather called after him.

"Hey, Firestar, you do know that leaders don't actually _get_ vacations, right?" Firestar stared vacantly into space for a few seconds, then jumped and glared right at Jayfeather.

"But the brochure said that I got a month of vacation time every 12 moons!" Firestar started to stare up at the sky, as if remember something.

"What brochure?" Jayfeather asked, genuinely confused.

"The brochure they showed me way back in the day…" Firestar continued to look up at the sky for another few moments, then suddenly yelled to the heavens.

"HEY! THIS WHEN I HAVE MY FLASHBACK! REMEMBER?" Oh, crap, I completely forgot about that.

Flashback time! –

_Firestar, oh, sorry, Fire_heart_, was in the middle of having mid-life crisis, even though he was only like, three years old, and decided to go over to Cinderpelt's Den to talk about this huge early-life crisis._

"_Hey, Cinderpelt's Den, I have to deal with this issue of mine. You see, nothing excites me anymore. Not battles, or patrols, or hunting. I even have a girlfriend now, and everything is completely dull. Even dreams that Spottedleaf is in aren't very interesting anymore."_

"_Fireheart, two things. One, I'm over here, two, it sounds like you need a hobby or something."_

"_I didn't ASK you Cinderpelt. I'm talking to this Den over here." Firestar turned away from her and looked back over to her den._

"_So, as you were saying…" Firestar carried on with his conversation with an inanimate object as Cinderpelt tried to find her old career brochures._

"_Well," Cinderpelt said, hiding behind the den, "You could try looking at these careers."_

"_Why thank you Cinderpelt's Den. You've been really helpful, unlike a certain medicine cat I can think of. So, what are some of my choices?" _

"_Well, you could be a medicine cat." Firestar stared at the Den for a second, then, when he remembered what a medicine cat was, he recoiled as if she, sorry, the *den* had just hit him._

"_Ew, gross, I hate medicine cats. They're all so boring, and stupid and they can't even fight! Who would want to be a stupid medicine cat!" A hissing noise started to come from behind the Den._

"_Are you okay?" Cinderpelt/Den controlled her/it's temper instantly._

"_Yeah, sure. How about an elder. They get to sit around and do absolutely nothing, sleep all day, and get loads to eat without doing any work for it."_

"_Yeah, but I do that already. Next." Cinderpelt was running out of brochures._

"_Okay, how about a rogue, or even a loner. They get to live by their own rules, do what they want, say whatever they want to say to anyone or about anything, what do you say?"_

"_Some of that sounds nice, but who wants to live in an old tree stump for days, having to catch your own food and everything, and sometimes, your fur even gets dirty!" Cinderpelt was on her second to last brochure. She didn't think he'd like either of them._

"_Okay, here we've got clan deputy." She peeked around the corner of the great and mighty Den and quickly looked Firestar up and down. She didn't think he would make a very good deputy, let alone leader, god forbid._

"_Nah, too much responsibility and, you know, work. Anything else?" Cinderpelt tried to stop giggling like a tiny kitten and spoke with a loud, clear voice._

"_Yes, nursing queen." Firestar blinked. Once, twice, about twenty times._

"_What… what exactly would that entail?" (hah, hah, get it? Tail?)_

"_It means that you would need to get a sex change, then have a kitten, then nurse the kitten and live in a warm den, constantly taking care of annoying furballs that try to make your life hell."_

_(Cameo time!)_

"_Firest- heart, what do you think you're doing?" Said a female voice from behind him. He spun around in shock and confusion. A tortoiseshell cat with blue eyes, and a beige streak ran diagonally across her face. She came up and whacked him in the side of the head. Her godly author powers caused him to fly sideways several meters._

"_Who are you?" Fireheart asked as he clambered back onto his feet (has four of them you know. Educational time!)._

"_I'm the author, idiot. Are you really so stupid that the 'godly, author powers' didn't give you a clue?" Firestar, realizing who he was dealing with, shrank down into a small ball of obviously dyed orange fur (why do you think he's such an unnatural shade of orange?) and cowered, fearing the wrath of Scarheart the first._

"_You can't just go around changing everything, this is only a flashback, Firestar." _

"_Fine, I'll become the deputy. So long as I get a cool hat." Scarheart was slightly thrown off by this._

"_Firest- heart, I don't understand. You're a cat. Why would you want a hat? You know what, just nevermind."_

"_But, but, do I get my hat?"_

"_WOULD YOU FORGET THE STUPID HAT! You are going to be a hatless leader, and you will be happy about it!" Then the flashback ended. So why am I still writing in italics? Will Firestar ever actually go on vacation? Will he actually jump into the volcano, and if he does, will he survive by a miracle of plot development. And will Bramblecl- sorry, Bramblepaw be able to keep the clan alive in Firestar's absence? And if Firestar actually does die on vacation, will the clan be stupid enough to appoint Bramblepaw as the new leader. Find the these question and more when I next feel like wasting two and half hours writing some pointless story for nerds on the internet._

_Read and Review._

_That's all for now folks._

You might be wondering why this parody is called 'Firestar's IQ'. It is called this because every chapter number represents Firestar's current IQ, so, maybe, one day, he could walk forward. But that depends on if anybody _reviews_. So, don't be cruel and just review. Wow, I just realized that this chapter is 4 pages long and it's mainly about Firestar falling down a waterfall, off the Highledge and a long flash back. Also some

of these jokes belong to _Goldenears _because he's my brother and I needed his help on

some parts. Bye. Review.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own- oh, for god's sake, do I need to say this every single time? Fine, I don't own Warriors. Yet.

Okay, before we start, I have 3 things I want to tell you. #1: Sorry I haven't written a story in, like, a year, I've just been kind of busy with; you know, school and stuff. #2: 3 people entered my contest and I chose all of you to be in my story because they were all epic. There names are **Snowpaw**, **Bookworm2091** and **Mally and Thalia. **Also, you will be in my 3rd chapter, as promised, it just might be another year until that happens. #3: All the winners of the contest and all my reviewers, I just want to thank you for reviewing my story. #4: Wait, did I say 3 things, well, make that 4. This chapter is going to have a special surprise in it! On to the story!

It was a modestly bright, partly cloudy Wednesday afternoon with a 15% chance of rain.

Most of the clan was awake, except for Lionblaze, who had fallen asleep after his 15th jar of peanut butter. He was on a diet. Everybody was nervous and exited. Nervous about what Brambleclaw will do to the clan, and excited that Firestar was about to jump into a volcano. Jayfeather was going with him, secretly slipping a camera into his bag of snacks when-

"You mean Bramble_paw_ right?"

Scarheart looked behind her to find a black tom with golden ears and amber eyes looking at her. (Surprise!)

"How the hell did you get here?" Scarheart asked, jumping down from her Narration Rock. "This is my parody, Goldenears!" (Surprise!... Again!)

Goldenears sat down. "When you've spent as much time on a computer as I have, you tend to learn a few things." He licked his paw. "Anyways, since I'm your brother, I came here to make sure that you don't make any kind of mistakes."

"Oh really?" Scarheart dug her claws into the dirt, thinking. "So, if I tied you to a pole and forced you to listen to the Nyan Cat video for hours on end, you'd correct me?"

"What are you-

Hi, I'm Grasswhisker, Scarhearts assistant. We are experiencing some, um, technical difficulties rights now so please don't leave, and the chapter will continue in a few moments. As you wait for this chapter to begin, please do not leave the story and please don't complain in the comments because Scarheart's not really in the mood right now, as you will probably learn from Goldenears's first-hand experience. Okay, now we have everything under control and everything should commence as planned. Thank you for your patients.

"Sorry for that brief interruption, but now everything's okay." Scarheart grinned, looking towards Goldenears

"Ah, but I was not disturbed by the poptart cat, I actually enjoyed it!" Goldenears told her in an evil voice.

"Um… Goldenears, what's with the voice?" Scarheart asked, exasperated.

Goldenears shrugged. "I don't know, I thought it would sound cool."

Scarheart glared at him. "It didn't."

"I know." There was an awkward pause. Goldenears looked up from his doodling in the dirt. "So, what do you think of the ending of my parody?"

Scarheart then gestured to Goldenears in a very rude way. "Fine, I'll leave, it's not like anyone pays attention to this story anyways!" So Goldenears left.

"Now," Scarheart jumped onto the Narration Rock. "We can get to the story."

"Jayfeather! Hey Jayfeather!" Firestar was yelling in Jayfeather's ear when the scene turned back to the story. "Jayfeather! Jayfeather! Hey, hey Jayfeather, guess what!"

"WHAT!" Jayfeather screamed, whipping around.

Firestar giggled, which sounds extremely strange coming from a cat. "I found a squirrel!"

As Firestar ran out of the den, giggling like a 9 year old girl watching Twilight, Jayfeather silently pushed the herbs in front of him away, and hit his head on the ground repeatedly.

Later Firestar and Jayfeather left the camp, the rest of the clan watching them leave. And so began their amazing journey to the Riverclan Volcanoes, which I'm mainly going to skip because I can't think of anything funny to say.

"Hey, Grasswhisker, scene transition please!" Jayfeather yelled after a moment's pause.

Grasswhisker called back. "It's not my job!"

"What?" Jayfeather yelled again. "Then what is your job?"

Grasswhisker shrugged. "I just make sure nothing bad happens, like deleting the parts where Scarheart can't quiet control her language, and put the story on the web." He looked around. "It's actually Scarheart's job to do the scene transition."

Jayfeather frowned. "Then what is she doing?" Suddenly, they heard a scream. They turned around and saw Firestar trembling in a ball at Scarheart's paws. Well, Grasswhisker saw it, Jayfeather just assumed that.

"I said, ENOUGH ABOUT THE FREAKING HAT!" Scarheart screamed at him. She saw them staring at her. "WHAT?"

"Um…" Grasswhisker shifted uncomfortably. "Scarheart, the story…"

"Fine! I'll deal with you later!" She said, glaring at Firestar.

_In Thunderclan territory. There, the freaking scene transition, happy? _

Dustpelt was hunting in the forest. Alone. As usual. Because nobody wants to spend time with him. Because he's a prick.

"Hey!"

"Not now Dustpelt!"

"But-

"I said not now!"

Anyways, he was hunting in the forest when a black cat with golden ears and amber eyes walked in front of him. Dustpelt stopped to let him by, and then grabbed his tail and pulled.

"Hey!" The tom yelled.

Dustpelt's eyes widened, trying to look as innocent as possible. "Sorry! The sign told me to!"

"What sign?"

Dustpelt walked behind the tom and removed a piece of paper. "Look, it says _'Pull my tail'_, so I pulled your tail!" Somehow, this cat was starting to look familiar.

The cat grabbed the sign and ripped it in two. Then he looked up at a nearby mountain. "You're so immature!" He yelled.

Before Dustpelt could question his sanity, a voice called back, "Then get out of my story, jerk!"

"Um…" Dustpelt started, a bit uncertain. "Was that Scarheart that you just yelled at?"

The tom glared at him. "Why do you care?"

"Because Firestar has already made her angry. And to continue to make her angry is not a wise decision." He replied bluntly.

"Oh don't worry, I'm her brother, she won't hurt me."

Dustpelt looked doubtful. "Are you sure about that?"

"You two!" They jumped as Scarheart called from the mountain. "You're wasting time that could be showing Firestar jumping into a volcano!"

This made them both brighten. "You'll let me stay for that, right?" The black tom yelled back.

"Yeah, sure, why not!" There was a pause. "But then you'll have to leave before I throw you in after him!"

"Understood!"

_(Scene transition!)_

_On the edge of the fourth Riverclan Volcano._

Jayfeather was standing next to Firestar, feeling the heat of the boiling lava near his paws. As excited he was about Firestar jumping in there, he didn't like being next to a volcano, especially because he couldn't see it.

Beside him, Firestar was debating on what sunscreen to use. "Hey, Jayfeather, should I use the 30 or the 60?"

"Neither, use the 50."

"Gotcha."

Slipping on his sunglasses like some guy from the Matrix, Firestar stepped forward. "I'm ready!"

"That's great Firestar!" Scarheart called from her seat. There was another cat sitting beside her. And Dustpelt was lying on the ground beside him. "Popcorn Jayfeather?"

"Don't mind if I do." Jayfeather sat in the chair beside her. "Hey, does anyone know where my camera went? I could've sworn I put it right here." He said, waving his paw around beside his chair.

Firestar grinned. "I have it! I wanted to take pictures from under the lava! That would be totally awesome, right!"

Scarheart and Jayfeather exchanged glances. "Um, sure Firestar, it would be," Scarheart said. She leaned over and whispered in Jayfeather's ear, "Don't worry, I have an extra camera."

Jayfeather winked. "Gotcha."

Firestar tensed, ready to jump, and then…

"HEY YOU!"

Firestar didn't jump. Instead, everyone looked to the horizon. Standing on the top of a hill, outlined by the orange light of sundown, seeming to be on fire, looking incredibly epic, was… Firestar.

They all looked to the other Firestar, still standing beside the volcano. "What the hell?" Scarheart murmured.

The Firestar on the hill, hereby called Firestar#2 so that I don't need to freaking say where they're standing again, walked forward. "Hey, what's up?"

Everyone stared at him. Firestar#2 shifted uncomfortably. "Um, why is everyone staring at me? This _is _Firestar's IQ, right?"

Jayfeather looked around. "Hey, why the hell do I hear another Firestar? Please tell me this is a joke!"

Scarheart quickly told him about the other Firestar and then looked at Firestar#2. "Yeah, but we already have a Firestar. Why are you here?"

"Oh, well I got lost and then Goldenears led me to this hill. He said it would lead me to Firestar's IQ."

Scarheart turned and glared at Goldenears. "Goldenears, what the hell did you-

"Gotta go, bye!" Goldenears said quickly, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"Come back here you ass!" Scarheart snarled. "I could've sworn I closed that portal." She turned to Firestar#2. "No, this is a different Firestar's IQ from a different dimension. Now get out of my story!"

He turned around. "Um, I don't actually know how I got here."

"Oh my frigin' god! You're almost as stupid as the other one!" Jayfeather yelled.

Firestar#1, our Firestar, looked up. "Wow, you're, like, me." His voice was full of wonder.

"I am you, you idiot!" Firestar#2 yelled.

Firestar#1 looked offended. "I am not an idiot, you are!"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, I bet you've never traveled to another dimension, have you?"

"Have you ever fallen down a water fall? I think not!"

They continued to argue. Scarheart leaned over and said to Jayfeather, "Wait, are they competing to see who's dumber?"

Jayfeather grabbed a pawful of popcorn. "They don't know it, but that's what it sounds like."

The Firestars started a cat fight. (Ha ha, get it, _cat _fight?) At one point Firestar#1 chased Firestar#2 up a tree. At another point the somehow ended up sword fighting. Only, Firestar#2 accidentally grabbed a potato. And he won.

Firestar#1 called Firestar#2's cell phone and pretended to be Sandstorm having another outburst. That made Firestar#2 pause the fight to take some catnip, and he ran back to the hill. "I don't believe in fairies, I don't believe in fairies, I don't believe in fairies." He said, repeating that a couple times.

And then he disappeared in a puff of purple smoke.

Firestar#1, now to be called just Firestar again, decided, unfortunately, not to jump into the volcano, complaining about missing an episode of Cupcake Wars.

Bramblepaw ran up to them when they got back. "Firestar, Firestar, oh my god, Firestar, oh my god!" He said this quite a few times, running around Firestar in a circle. Nobody thought this was strange.

"Shut up Bramblepaw!" Jayfeather growled at him. Bramblepaw shrank back. "What's your problem?"

Scarheart glared at him, ripping grass out of the ground. "We didn't get to see Firestar jump into a volcano." And then she marched back to her Narration Rock.

Bramblepaw continued to run around Firestar as he walked to his den. Jayfeather walked into his den to find Graystripe already there. "He didn't jump, did he?"

Jayfeather shook his head. "No, but he did make an enemy with himself from another dimension. I'm sure Scarheart will find a way to make it work."

"Maybe, although her creative juices are running a bit short. I mean, it's been like a year since she's updated. On her second freaking chapter. Does she realize we had to entertain ourselves for an entire year?"

"I know. If she doesn't fix her problem, she'll end up like Goldenears."

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP ALREADY? I'M TRYING TO THINK OF SOMETHING FOR CHAPTER 3!"

They both jumped. "Can she hear us?" Graystripe whispered.

"OF COURSE I CAN YOU IDIOTS, I'M THE FRIGIN' AUTHOR!"

They both fell silent as Scarheart racked her brain for creative ideas to torture Firestar and Dustpelt.

So there you have it, my horribly uncreative long awaited second chapter of Firestar's IQ. I've already started on the third, so don't worry. I have the strongest feeling everyone who read my first chapter has already given up on me. If you haven't given up on me, I should tell you that Firestar#2 will return in the contest of the dumbest. Bye everyone who's stumbled across my story, and I _will _update. Wait, I just realized my mistake in the first thing I said. School isn't more important than this, sorry, my mistake.


End file.
